Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Words may not be fattening but I wish they were more filling. (cause I'm eating a whole lot of them)

Okay, so I just looked at the links at the top of my page, you know, the idea, diet, and workout.  What a load of bollocks!  Apparently, anyway.  I know that I meant them at the time and then I just kind of threw them all out the window.

The Strange Idea:  I must have misplaced that A-type personality.   Maybe I just left it in the closet, I don't know.  So much for needing to keep up with things once I put them out there.  I think it's more a case of I started something that might just actually help me succeed so I promptly ran from it full force.  I'm good at that.

The Menu:  Ya, I totally have to go on a diet.  Maybe not slimfast and pills, but I can't just eat whatever I want in lesser amounts.  For one thing, I don't know how to eat lesser amounts.  And for another, I have insulin resistance, I need to start taking care of my body before I blow out my pituitary and develop stage II diabetes.  So, GI diet way of eating, here I come.

Workout:  Okay, so I haven't actually done a set of 100 since I showed my husband how to do it when the question came up lo those many weeks ago.  And I haven't done a Wii workout in almost as long.  I've ridden my bike.  Twice.  I have yet to pick up my aqua pass at our nearby pool.

So.  Do I follow previous patterns and just keep putting off until I convince myself that it's never going to happen and I delete all reference to this blog and pretend it never happened?  Tempting and yet loathsome all at the same time.  Do I dive in with renewed vigor and tackle all these issues with aplomb? Not particularly likely given my track record.  What I can say, is that I'm trying.  I would say with everything in me, and I kind of think that may be true, but it seems rather pathetic that if this is everything, it's not that impressive.

*God alert*

Okay, I believe in a (I was actually about to say 'higher power', let's just call God, 'God' shall we?), I believe in God.  I believe that we need Him.  Otherwise, what's the point, right?  More specifically, I believe that I need Him.  I need His grace and love and mercy and patience and help to get through this.  I have discovered recently that when I think about food, I have to eat.  Trying to not eat, sends me into a bit of a panic.  Like panic attack, can't breathe, sweating, room's suddenly to small, panic.  I'm not quite sure where this came from.  I'm a little freaked over it.  So if you pray, I would really appreciate some of those prayers as I try and work this through.  And if you don't, I would still appreciate all manner of good thoughts and huggles.  I have never felt this way about myself, it's like I'm looking at someone else's body and I find it really disgusting.  It's like I can't run/ignore/hide anymore from the fact that I really don't like hate myself.  I know this sounds awful and I'm not going for sympathy, I think I'm just hoping that if I get it out there, I can find a way to work through it.  And honestly I don't cry or weep or moan when I realize this, it's just kind of there, kind of, 'huh, well that explains a lot'. 

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but I sure hope I can get some kind of clarity  because it has to change or...I don't know...I feel like I'll just fade into nothing.

I don't know how to say all right.  Ugh.  I guess only time will tell, right?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Where's the Wagon?!?!

Because I seriously have to get back on it.  I refuse to go clothes shopping unless it's because the clothes are too big.  You know, as opposed to me.  This is getting ridiculous.  I've been paying attention lately.  It's been an effort.  Everything went out of the window for a bit.  Then in desperation I went and stocked up on slimfast and weight suppressant pills.  That lasted all of a week 4 days.  Then I realized I had picked up a book on the low GI diet thing when I was at the library last.  Then I remembered that I had actually bought a GI cookbook back when we lived in St. Albert and had followed that for a while.  The low GI thing is something I should be following anyway.  Not as a diet, but as a way of life.  I have PCOS and diabetes is a very real concern when you already have insulin-resistance. 

Did you know that caffeine actually triggers an insulin release?  I totally didn't.  That sucks.  My only consolation is that tea seems to be okay and actually has minimal caffeine.

Okay sorry for the aside, I'm a little rambly today.  It's been a rough couple of weeks month around here.  But I really want, no need to get back on track.  I appreciate all of you who are ready to share this with me.  Sorry the start was rocky, let's try this again.

So I have a question to pose:

Have you ever done a colon cleanse? or know someone who has?  What kind and was it worth it?  Have you heard of any success or horror stories?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Not going so well

There have been a few derailments as of late.  I'll probably post more about those on my other blog.  I've got a couple things I hope to pursue here, but I just have to get my ass in gear stop feeling sorry for myself wrap my head around it.

Hopefully I'll be back with you soon.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Day.....what now? Crap!

Okay. so. note to self.  Do not start a 30 Day Challenge just before family arrives.  And it's not just having family, it's that people staying here means that Asher is in Mommy and Daddy's room and no one gets any sleep.  It also means that family want to run around the island all day and go see castles and stuff.  And I mean, of course, who wouldn't?  Just because we've been here for 8 months and haven't done any of that stuff.  So there's the not sleeping, the running around all day, oh ya, and the fact that it's a little daunting to think of doing your wii sports active running in place with all your bits bouncing up and down with your Dad there sitting on the couch watching you, because really, where else does he have to sit.  Ya.  So we're going to start this whole thing over tomorrow. 

See you then!

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