Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Words may not be fattening but I wish they were more filling. (cause I'm eating a whole lot of them)

Okay, so I just looked at the links at the top of my page, you know, the idea, diet, and workout.  What a load of bollocks!  Apparently, anyway.  I know that I meant them at the time and then I just kind of threw them all out the window.

The Strange Idea:  I must have misplaced that A-type personality.   Maybe I just left it in the closet, I don't know.  So much for needing to keep up with things once I put them out there.  I think it's more a case of I started something that might just actually help me succeed so I promptly ran from it full force.  I'm good at that.

The Menu:  Ya, I totally have to go on a diet.  Maybe not slimfast and pills, but I can't just eat whatever I want in lesser amounts.  For one thing, I don't know how to eat lesser amounts.  And for another, I have insulin resistance, I need to start taking care of my body before I blow out my pituitary and develop stage II diabetes.  So, GI diet way of eating, here I come.

Workout:  Okay, so I haven't actually done a set of 100 since I showed my husband how to do it when the question came up lo those many weeks ago.  And I haven't done a Wii workout in almost as long.  I've ridden my bike.  Twice.  I have yet to pick up my aqua pass at our nearby pool.

So.  Do I follow previous patterns and just keep putting off until I convince myself that it's never going to happen and I delete all reference to this blog and pretend it never happened?  Tempting and yet loathsome all at the same time.  Do I dive in with renewed vigor and tackle all these issues with aplomb? Not particularly likely given my track record.  What I can say, is that I'm trying.  I would say with everything in me, and I kind of think that may be true, but it seems rather pathetic that if this is everything, it's not that impressive.

*God alert*

Okay, I believe in a (I was actually about to say 'higher power', let's just call God, 'God' shall we?), I believe in God.  I believe that we need Him.  Otherwise, what's the point, right?  More specifically, I believe that I need Him.  I need His grace and love and mercy and patience and help to get through this.  I have discovered recently that when I think about food, I have to eat.  Trying to not eat, sends me into a bit of a panic.  Like panic attack, can't breathe, sweating, room's suddenly to small, panic.  I'm not quite sure where this came from.  I'm a little freaked over it.  So if you pray, I would really appreciate some of those prayers as I try and work this through.  And if you don't, I would still appreciate all manner of good thoughts and huggles.  I have never felt this way about myself, it's like I'm looking at someone else's body and I find it really disgusting.  It's like I can't run/ignore/hide anymore from the fact that I really don't like hate myself.  I know this sounds awful and I'm not going for sympathy, I think I'm just hoping that if I get it out there, I can find a way to work through it.  And honestly I don't cry or weep or moan when I realize this, it's just kind of there, kind of, 'huh, well that explains a lot'. 

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but I sure hope I can get some kind of clarity  because it has to change or...I don't know...I feel like I'll just fade into nothing.

I don't know how to say all right.  Ugh.  I guess only time will tell, right?

1 comments:

Rachel Cotterill September 30, 2009 at 11:43 AM  

I don't really know what to say except to reassure you that no-one else hates you, and forming good habits is hard (well, I'm no good at it), but maybe it would help if you made yourself write down your food & exercise every day (not just 'good' days)... something similar helps me with physio, anyway. Good luck x

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